Author’s Note

I’ve learned that when I care deeply, I sometimes pull back instead of leaning in. This piece is me noticing that reflex in real time – and choosing not to let it define me.

Lingering isn’t the same as being lost. And retreating isn’t the same as running.

— Rowan Evans

Lingering, Not Lost (Mental Retreat)
Poetry by Rowan Evans

I retreat—
when my mind
gets messy.
I repeat—
thoughts on loop,
spinning, hula-hoop.

Saying I’m fine,
when I know I’m not—
I slip deeper
into my thoughts.
I sit in the dark
inside my mind,
not even trying
to find
a way out.

I’m not trapped,
I’m lingering.
Haunting
my own mind.
Fighting
my own misconceptions.
Twisting secrets
into confessions.

Every thought—
You.
Who keeps me
tethered,
gripping reality tight
so I don’t slip
and lose my mind
tonight?
You.

And it’s nothing you do.
It’s just you, being you.

So this descent
is never permanent,
but it leaves cracks—
I know it does.

Damage that can’t be undone—
Only repaired
slowly,
with patience.
With care.
With staying.

So I’ll try—
I’ll try and pull myself free
from this mental retreat.

If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]