Author’s Note

Not Begging, Just Tired lives in that quiet space between breaking and continuing.

This piece isn’t about giving up–it’s about what comes after the questions, when certainty fades and all that’s left  is awareness. It explores the tension between faith and doubt, between the voice that offers an easy escape and the part of us that still chooses to struggle, to grow, to stay human.

There’s a kind of exhaustion that doesn’t come from weakness, but from enduring–feeling everything, questioning everything, and still moving forward without clear answers. This poem sits in that space.

It’s not a resolution.
It’s not a victory.

It’s a choice.

To stay.

— Rowan Evans

Not Begging, Just Tired
Poetry by Rowan Evans

I’m on my knees again,
begging—please again.
My brain freezes,
and I get lost within.

Confronting sins.

Am I who I want to be?
I mean it—truthfully.
Am I exactly who I want to be,
or just who I became?

And the devil whispers…

He speaks to me,
I hear him clearly.
He says he’ll set me free—
no need to beg or plead.

But I don’t want ease.
It’s the challenge I need.

What comes easily
is never worth the cost.
What’s a dream
if it means
you lose your humanity?

God… if you’re listening—
can you hear me whispering?

I’m not begging,
I won’t plead,
but I’m getting tired
of having to bleed.

I’ll be honest—
I’m not sure if you’re real,
but I think I used to feel you
when things got too heavy,
when life felt a little too rough.

Back before
life kind of fucked me up.

There’s always
a before and an after.
Before—there was laughter.

But that was last chapter.
This one’s been
a little too heavy.

To leave?
I’ve been a little too ready.

I don’t mean
leave permanently—
I just want to be
in a different scene.

Somewhere I don’t feel
at home through a screen.

Have you felt
out of place
in a place
that was supposed
to be your home?

And still—
you felt alone…

Not in a way
that filled you with despair,
but in a way
that made you more aware.

I’m not begging—
just tired…
and still choosing
to stay.

[Calculating Profits]
Calculating Profits (Ledger of Lives) is a raw anti-war poem confronting how modern conflict is often reduced to statistics, strategy, and spectacle. Through stark imagery and direct language, Rowan Evans challenges the “us vs. them” narrative and reminds readers that behind every number in war’s ledger is a human life.