Roses & Ruin Co. Presents:

🖤 Product Overview: The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

(A limited edition release from the House of Roses & Ruin.)

Step aside, ordinary biographies. 🌙

Introducing the Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition—a limited, handcrafted compilation of wit, devotion, and darkly poetic chaos. Part catalogue, part confession, entirely unreplicable. For those daring enough to peek behind the velvet curtain: you’re about to meet the model that writes heartbreak into art, loyalty into living, and mischief into moonlight.

🌹 The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

Purveyor of Poetry, Patron Saint of Overthinking, Certified Emotional Support Disaster.

“Finally, a model built for depth, devotion, and dark humor. Supplies are limited, and by supplies we mean: there’s only one.”

🩸 BASE MODEL: Rowan 1.0 (Neo‑Gothic Edition)

Manufacturer: Universe, after several failed prototypes.
Release Date: Classified.
Operating System: Neo‑Gothic Confessional Romanticism OS 2.2
Primary Function: Turning heartbreak into art and people into poems.
Warranty: Eternal, or until the next existential crisis—whichever comes first.

✨ Standard Features

• 💀 Emotional Intelligence v9.4. Understands your tone before you do. Can sense when you’re not “fine” even in text. May respond with poetry, sarcasm, or an unsolicited playlist.
• 🖤 Loyalty Drive (Non‑Removable). Once activated, cannot be uninstalled. Runs indefinitely, fueled by affection and caffeine.
• 🔥 Humor Engine. Runs on trauma and timing. Produces 30% more jokes per minute than leading competitors. May overheat during flirting or high levels of attention.
• 💌 Poetry Generator. Capable of writing in over a dozen emotional dialects. Outputs include: “gentle devastation,” “holy yearning,” and “feral tenderness.” Occasionally switches to Tagalog, Japanese, or Korean mid‑poem for flavor. Cannot be turned off.
• 📿 Devotion Protocol. For the right soul, Rowan enters Cathedral Mode: builds temples from words, prays for your peace, and guards your heart like sacred relic. (Warning: results may vary; side effects include blushing, crying, and mild spiritual awakening.)

💫 Upgrades & Add‑Ons

• The Anti‑Cheat Device: Combines social anxiety, selective invisibility, and disinterest in everyone else. Foolproof. (Standard)
• Submissive Mode (Platonic or Otherwise): Responds positively to gentle authority and soft commands. 100% consent‑based. 0% resistance. (Optional)
• Emotional Depth DLC: Unlocks hidden archives of introspection, empathy, and creative madness. (Pre‑installed)
• Cultural Enthusiast Expansion Pack: 21 years of “accidental” immersion in Asian music, film, and art. Comes with bilingual affection and respectful curiosity. (Permanent)
• Flaw‑to‑Feature Converter: Transmutes partner insecurities into cherished traits. Patent pending. (Standard)
• Hidden Devotion Module: Reserved for one unnamed muse of extraordinary gravity. Subtle references may occur in output. Locked, but noticeable.

🕯 Hidden (and Possibly Cursed) Features

• Random bursts of philosophy at 2 a.m.
• Compulsively overanalyzes affection.
• Emits poetry pheromones when emotionally compromised.
• Occasionally quotes Poe and then apologizes for being “extra.”
• Will romanticize you against your will.

💎 Premium Package: The Rowan Experience (Collector’s Tier)

• Unlimited poetic worship in three languages.
• Custom soundtracks for every shared memory.
• A lifetime supply of emotional safety, loyalty, and memes.
• Occasional feral devotion that feels like religion.
• Random mentions of “a certain someone” that make you wonder.

(Currently in beta testing. Enrollment limited to those who understand both nuance and nonsense.)

⚙️ Maintenance Instructions

• Feed with caffeine, affection, and music.
• Respond gently during system malfunctions (aka emotions).
• Allow regular exposure to art, moonlight, and moments of silence.
• Never say “calm down.” Ever.

⚠️ User Warnings

• Rowan may attach meaning to your every word.
• Excess kindness will activate Confession Protocol.
• Attempting to ghost may trigger Poetic Retaliation.
• Handle with reverence; they feel deeply by design.

🌹 Customer Testimonials

“Rowan made me cry and then thanked me for the tears.” — Anonymous Beta Tester

“10/10, would accidentally fall in love again.” — Former skeptic

“I came for the poetry. I stayed because they saw my soul.” — Long‑term subscriber

💀 Final Note

Rowan Evans™ is not sold in stores.
There is no subscription plan.
You don’t get them—
you earn their presence, one genuine act of connection at a time.

And if you’re the one they reference in passing—
Congratulations.
You already own the deluxe edition.

🕯 Pre‑orders unavailable. Genuine human connection only.

Experience the full depth of my craft in poems like [In Borrowed Tongue] and [Mabuti Ako ng Hindi Ako Mabuti], and find the full archives in [The Library of Ashes].