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Poetry by Rowan Evans

Tag: Dark Humor

  • Everything and Nothing | A Poem About Overthinking, Contradiction & Resilience by Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    Sometimes, the quietest person in the room has the loudest mind. Sometimes, the person who seems to have nothing to say is trying to sort through a thousand thoughts that never quite finish forming. And sometimes, when someone asks what’s wrong, the honest answer is both everything and nothing.

    Everything and Nothing explores the contradictions that can exist within one person: being observant enough to notice everything while struggling to explain what’s happening inside, feeling surrounded by beauty yet sometimes seeing only the rot, and having the spark to create without always having the fuel to keep the fire burning.

    But this isn’t a poem that wants to stay solemn. There’s a paradox wearing socks and Crocs, checking a five-dollar wristwatch, and wobbling through life with questionable coordination. Because humor has always had a place beside the heavier truths, and sometimes the absurdity is part of what makes those truths bearable.

    I may wobble. I may lose my train of thought before it reaches the station. I may have days when everything feels wrong and days when I can’t explain why nothing seems wrong at all. But falling and wobbling aren’t the same thing.

    And if there’s one thing this paradox knows, it’s how to keep wobbling.

    — Rowan Evans

    An introspective poet in socks and foam clogs sits among tangled thought fragments, contrasting flowers and decaying plants, a fading flame, and a rocking roly-poly toy symbolizing contradiction and resilience.
    Everything is wrong. Nothing is wrong. The thoughts won’t land, the fire won’t always burn, and somehow this paradox keeps wobbling.

    Everything and Nothing
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    When you meet me—
    you’ll think I’m quiet.
    I don’t say much,
    I sit in silence,
    with my mouth shut,
    but my eyes are open—
    watching, closely.

    And when you talk to me—
    you’ll wish I was quiet.
    I’m way too observant—
    I see too damn much,
    and I hear just the same—
    so don’t get mad at me,
    when you get flamed.

    But once you get to know me—
    you’ll get scared when I’m quiet,
    you’re suddenly afraid of my silence.
    Because It carries weight,
    everything I don’t say—
    what’s wrong? You’ll wonder,
    what’s on your mind?
    You’ll find that it’s nothing—
    mind’s blank, no thoughts in it.

    But what’s wrong?

    A lot.

    It would take too long
    to list every problem I’ve got.
    I’m surrounded by beauty,
    but sometimes all I see is rot—
    lost my mind, where’d I put it?
    I forgot—thoughts jammed,
    so I missed the shot.

    Thoughts move
    but never get where they’re—
    before another thought
    cuts it off—
    so it lands short,
    missed the runway by a mile.

    And that’s the part
    that hurts the most—
    when the spark is there,
    but the fire is quiet.
    The fuel is gone,
    so you hope you don’t
    have to reignite it.

    So to answer your question,
    what’s wrong?
    Everything and nothing—
    it’s in constant contradiction,
    my existence—

    I guess I’m just a paradox
    in a pair of socks and crocs,
    with a five dollar
    Wal-Mart wristwatch.
    But don’t worry—
    I’m a weeble,
    I wobble—

    but I don’t fall down.

    Journey into the Hexverse

    [Through the Page]
    A heartfelt thank-you to everyone who has journeyed through the pages of Rowan Evans’s poetry. From ravens and monsters to raccoons in silk pajamas, this playful, multilingual poem celebrates the connection between poet and reader—and the meaning found in sharing one’s art.

    [Thoughts of You Have Prime Real Estate]
    A playful romantic poem that turns the idea of someone “living rent-free in your head” into an entire neighborhood, where thoughts become homes—and one special thought gets the best property in town.

    [A Person First]
    A poem about the difference between loving a woman and loving the role someone expects her to play—because partnership requires respect, autonomy, and room to remain a person first.

    If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]

  • Confession or Cap? | A Sharp, Humorous Poetry by Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    I’ve always had a complicated relationship with the voice that comes through my pen.

    Sometimes it tells the truth. Sometimes it exaggerates. Sometimes it gets a little too comfortable talking shit.

    And sometimes I genuinely can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.

    So before you read this one, there’s really only one question worth asking:

    Is it confession—or cap?

    — Rowan Evans

    A poet writing at a desk while a shadowy version of themselves and flames rise from the pages.
    Sometimes the pen tells the truth. Sometimes it talks shit. Sometimes it does both.

    Confession or Cap?
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    Ask anyone and they’ll tell you—
    I’m nice and that’s true,
    but my pen can be mean
    when it speaks—
    so when I write,
    you’ve gotta ask—
    is it confession—

    or am I just talking
    my shit again?

    I’ve dissed other poets before—
    said they were boring, put me to sleep
    and called them all Watson—
    because their rhymes were elementary.
    So when you say I’m great?

    No shit, Sherlock.

    I’ve written the copies of copies,
    and the copies that copied that—

    inspired less by poets and more by rap—

    that’s why when my pen gets hot,
    I don’t know how to stop—
    so I pen fire and burn my hands, (ouch!)
    what am I sayin’? Everything I drop—

    Flames.

    Journey into the Hexverse

    [Fine, Fire It Is]
    A playful poem about abandoning an ice metaphor, getting carried away with fire, and discovering that sometimes the best description of a poet’s pen is something that refuses to cool down.

    [Exhibit A]
    A quick-witted, unapologetically playful poem about writing fast, crossing lines, roasting the competition, and letting rhythm do the talking.

    [Why So Serious?]
    A playful, chaotic poem packed with pop-culture references, superhero imagery, Disney characters, wordplay, and the kind of ridiculous puns that make the poet wonder why they were ever given a pen.

    [Welcome to the Hexverse]
    Step into the Hexverse—a poetic world where mythmaking, humor, rage, creativity, and confession collide, and darkness becomes something that can be reshaped into art.

    If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]

  • Who Do I Relate To in Fiction? | A Villain-Inspired Poem by Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    I’ve always found it interesting who we relate to in fiction—and apparently, my answer is the villains.

    Not necessarily because I agree with everything they do, but because I recognize pieces of myself in their intensity, their flaws, their ambition, their pettiness, and sometimes even the way they try to make sense of the world.

    So this is me admitting that my fictional character roster might raise a few questions.

    Vader. Maul. Thawne. Light.

    Yeah.

    I know.

    — Rowan Evans

    A dark fictional-villain-inspired scene surrounding a solitary poet holding a glowing pen.
    Maybe the villains aren’t relatable because they’re right—maybe they’re relatable because they’re human.

    Who Do I Relate To in Fiction?
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    I relate to the villains—
    Like Vader, who loved so hard
    he became a monster—
    sure he killed Padmé,
    but was that really
    little Ani’s fault?
    Because I blame Obi-Wan—
    you see, if Kenobi
    had not of gone—
    if he hadn’t have been
    on Mustafar,
    Padmé would still be here.

    And I relate with Maul,
    because he had it all—
    the flips, the tricks,
    the sweet lightsaber
    with twice the blade—
    but his overconfidence
    was his downfall.
    That’s why I keep mine in check,
    I’m not ready to split yet.

    I relate to Eobard Thawne.
    That’s the level of petty
    that I aspire to,
    because if I don’t like you—
    and I mean, really don’t like you,
    I make it my job
    to keep you feeling off.
    It’s nothing big,
    just little and inconvenient—
    until it’s not.
    (Sorry, Mrs. Allen.)

    I also relate to Light Yagami—
    because he likes to write,
    and I like to write too.
    We both write names in notebooks,
    try to shape fate with words—
    the difference is, where my ink
    sometimes heals—
    his only hurts.

    Journey into the Hexverse

    [It Could Have Been…]
    A playful little love poem about strawberries, roses, and the wonderfully ridiculous ways romance can show up when you know someone doesn’t like the traditional version.

    [Exhibit A]
    A quick-witted, unapologetically playful poem about writing fast, crossing lines, roasting the competition, and letting rhythm do the talking.

    [Why So Serious?]
    A playful, chaotic poem packed with pop-culture references, superhero imagery, Disney characters, wordplay, and the kind of ridiculous puns that make the poet wonder why they were ever given a pen.

    If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]

  • Draggin’ (Ignis) | A Playful Battle Poetry Flex by Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    There are poems where I sit down with a very serious idea and carefully shape every word.

    This isn’t one of those poems.

    Draggin’ (Ignis) is me letting the pen run loose, throwing references at the page, flexing a little, and then immediately making fun of myself for doing it. It’s playful bravado with a gothic streak, a little battle-rap energy, and absolutely no intention of pretending I’m cooler than I am.

    Twenty-three years of writing will do strange things to a poet.

    Apparently, it makes them compare themselves to dragons, superheroes, and Pokémon-level fire hazards.

    Enjoy the chaos.

    — Rowan Evans

    A playful poet stands with a fountain pen as black ink transforms into a mischievous dragon surrounded by flames, ice, and motion.
    Twenty-three years of writing and this is what the pen decided to do with all that experience.

    Draggin’ (Ignis)
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    Twenty-three years, I’ve been doing this
    with craft in my veins and trauma in my brain—
    I’ve really been through some shit.
    Maybe that’s why I write so ruthless—
    if I spit a diss, it’d be ignis—I’d be draggin’ you,
    but I’m nice, so I’m a dragon like Toothless.
    This is stupid, silly, dumb—
    I can’t take me serious, and this is how come.

    Yeah, these might be jokes—
    but I’m cold, Bobby Drake,
    so shut your mouth
    before I turn your girl into a—

    Dragon Rider…

    That kind of killed the rhyme,
    that’s fine—

    here’s a few more lines…

    I’m too quick-witted—

    pen faster than Flash,
    I’m too quick wit’ it
    when I write lines
    to silence critics.

    I’ve been writing for years,
    double digits—
    two followed by the number
    that comes next—
    I’m not even trying to flex,
    this is just me writing facts.

    Journey into the Hexverse

    [Behind These Bars (Idol Chatter)]
    A playful battle-poetry piece where confidence, wordplay, pop-culture references, and a sharp pen collide. Behind These Bars (Idol Chatter) turns verbal sparring into a ridiculous little poetry showdown.

    [Kaio-ken/Zenkai]
    Two Dragon Ball-inspired battle poems about creative power, survival, and coming back stronger. Kaio-ken with a Pen brings the attack, while Zenkai (Stronger Now) delivers the aftermath: push me to the edge, and I’ll return stronger than before.

    [Don’t Push Me]
    A playful battle-poetry piece about turning insults into punchlines, standing your ground, and refusing to be intimidated. Don’t Push Me mixes swagger, humor, rhyme, and Rowan Evans’ signature self-aware interruptions.

    [B.S.T.F.U.]
    A playful battle-poetry exercise packed with insults, internal rhymes, punchlines, wordplay, and literary swagger. B.S.T.F.U. is Rowan Evans flexing the verbal muscles—not calling out anyone in particular.

    If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]

  • Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition | Neo-Gothic Confessional Poetry & Dark Humor

    Rowan Evans

    Roses & Ruin Co. Presents:

    Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition – darkly poetic, gothic aesthetic with roses, books, and moonlight
    Limited edition: the Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition, where heartbreak becomes art and loyalty becomes legend.

    🖤 Product Overview: The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

    (A limited edition release from the House of Roses & Ruin.)

    Step aside, ordinary biographies. 🌙

    Introducing the Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition—a limited, handcrafted compilation of wit, devotion, and darkly poetic chaos. Part catalogue, part confession, entirely unreplicable. For those daring enough to peek behind the velvet curtain: you’re about to meet the model that writes heartbreak into art, loyalty into living, and mischief into moonlight.

    🌹 The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

    Purveyor of Poetry, Patron Saint of Overthinking, Certified Emotional Support Disaster.

    “Finally, a model built for depth, devotion, and dark humor. Supplies are limited, and by supplies we mean: there’s only one.”

    🩸 BASE MODEL: Rowan 1.0 (Neo‑Gothic Edition)

    Manufacturer: Universe, after several failed prototypes.
    Release Date: Classified.
    Operating System: Neo‑Gothic Confessional Romanticism OS 2.2
    Primary Function: Turning heartbreak into art and people into poems.
    Warranty: Eternal, or until the next existential crisis—whichever comes first.

    ✨ Standard Features

    • 💀 Emotional Intelligence v9.4. Understands your tone before you do. Can sense when you’re not “fine” even in text. May respond with poetry, sarcasm, or an unsolicited playlist.
    • 🖤 Loyalty Drive (Non‑Removable). Once activated, cannot be uninstalled. Runs indefinitely, fueled by affection and caffeine.
    • 🔥 Humor Engine. Runs on trauma and timing. Produces 30% more jokes per minute than leading competitors. May overheat during flirting or high levels of attention.
    • 💌 Poetry Generator. Capable of writing in over a dozen emotional dialects. Outputs include: “gentle devastation,” “holy yearning,” and “feral tenderness.” Occasionally switches to Tagalog, Japanese, or Korean mid‑poem for flavor. Cannot be turned off.
    • 📿 Devotion Protocol. For the right soul, Rowan enters Cathedral Mode: builds temples from words, prays for your peace, and guards your heart like sacred relic. (Warning: results may vary; side effects include blushing, crying, and mild spiritual awakening.)

    💫 Upgrades & Add‑Ons

    • The Anti‑Cheat Device: Combines social anxiety, selective invisibility, and disinterest in everyone else. Foolproof. (Standard)
    • Submissive Mode (Platonic or Otherwise): Responds positively to gentle authority and soft commands. 100% consent‑based. 0% resistance. (Optional)
    • Emotional Depth DLC: Unlocks hidden archives of introspection, empathy, and creative madness. (Pre‑installed)
    • Cultural Enthusiast Expansion Pack: 21 years of “accidental” immersion in Asian music, film, and art. Comes with bilingual affection and respectful curiosity. (Permanent)
    • Flaw‑to‑Feature Converter: Transmutes partner insecurities into cherished traits. Patent pending. (Standard)
    • Hidden Devotion Module: Reserved for one unnamed muse of extraordinary gravity. Subtle references may occur in output. Locked, but noticeable.

    🕯 Hidden (and Possibly Cursed) Features

    • Random bursts of philosophy at 2 a.m.
    • Compulsively overanalyzes affection.
    • Emits poetry pheromones when emotionally compromised.
    • Occasionally quotes Poe and then apologizes for being “extra.”
    • Will romanticize you against your will.

    💎 Premium Package: The Rowan Experience (Collector’s Tier)

    • Unlimited poetic worship in three languages.
    • Custom soundtracks for every shared memory.
    • A lifetime supply of emotional safety, loyalty, and memes.
    • Occasional feral devotion that feels like religion.
    • Random mentions of “a certain someone” that make you wonder.

    (Currently in beta testing. Enrollment limited to those who understand both nuance and nonsense.)

    ⚙️ Maintenance Instructions

    • Feed with caffeine, affection, and music.
    • Respond gently during system malfunctions (aka emotions).
    • Allow regular exposure to art, moonlight, and moments of silence.
    • Never say “calm down.” Ever.

    ⚠️ User Warnings

    • Rowan may attach meaning to your every word.
    • Excess kindness will activate Confession Protocol.
    • Attempting to ghost may trigger Poetic Retaliation.
    • Handle with reverence; they feel deeply by design.

    🌹 Customer Testimonials

    “Rowan made me cry and then thanked me for the tears.” — Anonymous Beta Tester

    “10/10, would accidentally fall in love again.” — Former skeptic

    “I came for the poetry. I stayed because they saw my soul.” — Long‑term subscriber

    💀 Final Note

    Rowan Evans™ is not sold in stores.
    There is no subscription plan.
    You don’t get them—
    you earn their presence, one genuine act of connection at a time.

    And if you’re the one they reference in passing—
    Congratulations.
    You already own the deluxe edition.

    🕯 Pre‑orders unavailable. Genuine human connection only.

    Experience the full depth of my craft in poems like [In Borrowed Tongue] and [Mabuti Ako ng Hindi Ako Mabuti], and find the full archives in [The Library of Ashes].