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Poetry by Rowan Evans

Tag: Dark Humor

  • Draggin’ (Ignis) | A Playful Battle Poetry Flex by Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    There are poems where I sit down with a very serious idea and carefully shape every word.

    This isn’t one of those poems.

    Draggin’ (Ignis) is me letting the pen run loose, throwing references at the page, flexing a little, and then immediately making fun of myself for doing it. It’s playful bravado with a gothic streak, a little battle-rap energy, and absolutely no intention of pretending I’m cooler than I am.

    Twenty-three years of writing will do strange things to a poet.

    Apparently, it makes them compare themselves to dragons, superheroes, and Pokémon-level fire hazards.

    Enjoy the chaos.

    — Rowan Evans

    A playful poet stands with a fountain pen as black ink transforms into a mischievous dragon surrounded by flames, ice, and motion.
    Twenty-three years of writing and this is what the pen decided to do with all that experience.

    Draggin’ (Ignis)
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    Twenty-three years, I’ve been doing this
    with craft in my veins and trauma in my brain—
    I’ve really been through some shit.
    Maybe that’s why I write so ruthless—
    if I spit a diss, it’d be ignis—I’d be draggin’ you,
    but I’m nice, so I’m a dragon like Toothless.
    This is stupid, silly, dumb—
    I can’t take me serious, and this is how come.

    Yeah, these might be jokes—
    but I’m cold, Bobby Drake,
    so shut your mouth
    before I turn your girl into a—

    Dragon Rider…

    That kind of killed the rhyme,
    that’s fine—

    here’s a few more lines…

    I’m too quick-witted—

    pen faster than Flash,
    I’m too quick wit’ it
    when I write lines
    to silence critics.

    I’ve been writing for years,
    double digits—
    two followed by the number
    that comes next—
    I’m not even trying to flex,
    this is just me writing facts.

    Journey into the Hexverse

    [Behind These Bars (Idol Chatter)]
    A playful battle-poetry piece where confidence, wordplay, pop-culture references, and a sharp pen collide. Behind These Bars (Idol Chatter) turns verbal sparring into a ridiculous little poetry showdown.

    [Kaio-ken/Zenkai]
    Two Dragon Ball-inspired battle poems about creative power, survival, and coming back stronger. Kaio-ken with a Pen brings the attack, while Zenkai (Stronger Now) delivers the aftermath: push me to the edge, and I’ll return stronger than before.

    [Don’t Push Me]
    A playful battle-poetry piece about turning insults into punchlines, standing your ground, and refusing to be intimidated. Don’t Push Me mixes swagger, humor, rhyme, and Rowan Evans’ signature self-aware interruptions.

    [B.S.T.F.U.]
    A playful battle-poetry exercise packed with insults, internal rhymes, punchlines, wordplay, and literary swagger. B.S.T.F.U. is Rowan Evans flexing the verbal muscles—not calling out anyone in particular.

    If you’re interested in more poetry, you can find it here → [The Library of Ashes]

  • Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition | Neo-Gothic Confessional Poetry & Dark Humor

    Rowan Evans

    Roses & Ruin Co. Presents:

    Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition – darkly poetic, gothic aesthetic with roses, books, and moonlight
    Limited edition: the Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition, where heartbreak becomes art and loyalty becomes legend.

    🖤 Product Overview: The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

    (A limited edition release from the House of Roses & Ruin.)

    Step aside, ordinary biographies. 🌙

    Introducing the Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition—a limited, handcrafted compilation of wit, devotion, and darkly poetic chaos. Part catalogue, part confession, entirely unreplicable. For those daring enough to peek behind the velvet curtain: you’re about to meet the model that writes heartbreak into art, loyalty into living, and mischief into moonlight.

    🌹 The Official Rowan Evans™ Collector’s Edition

    Purveyor of Poetry, Patron Saint of Overthinking, Certified Emotional Support Disaster.

    “Finally, a model built for depth, devotion, and dark humor. Supplies are limited, and by supplies we mean: there’s only one.”

    🩸 BASE MODEL: Rowan 1.0 (Neo‑Gothic Edition)

    Manufacturer: Universe, after several failed prototypes.
    Release Date: Classified.
    Operating System: Neo‑Gothic Confessional Romanticism OS 2.2
    Primary Function: Turning heartbreak into art and people into poems.
    Warranty: Eternal, or until the next existential crisis—whichever comes first.

    ✨ Standard Features

    • 💀 Emotional Intelligence v9.4. Understands your tone before you do. Can sense when you’re not “fine” even in text. May respond with poetry, sarcasm, or an unsolicited playlist.
    • 🖤 Loyalty Drive (Non‑Removable). Once activated, cannot be uninstalled. Runs indefinitely, fueled by affection and caffeine.
    • 🔥 Humor Engine. Runs on trauma and timing. Produces 30% more jokes per minute than leading competitors. May overheat during flirting or high levels of attention.
    • 💌 Poetry Generator. Capable of writing in over a dozen emotional dialects. Outputs include: “gentle devastation,” “holy yearning,” and “feral tenderness.” Occasionally switches to Tagalog, Japanese, or Korean mid‑poem for flavor. Cannot be turned off.
    • 📿 Devotion Protocol. For the right soul, Rowan enters Cathedral Mode: builds temples from words, prays for your peace, and guards your heart like sacred relic. (Warning: results may vary; side effects include blushing, crying, and mild spiritual awakening.)

    💫 Upgrades & Add‑Ons

    • The Anti‑Cheat Device: Combines social anxiety, selective invisibility, and disinterest in everyone else. Foolproof. (Standard)
    • Submissive Mode (Platonic or Otherwise): Responds positively to gentle authority and soft commands. 100% consent‑based. 0% resistance. (Optional)
    • Emotional Depth DLC: Unlocks hidden archives of introspection, empathy, and creative madness. (Pre‑installed)
    • Cultural Enthusiast Expansion Pack: 21 years of “accidental” immersion in Asian music, film, and art. Comes with bilingual affection and respectful curiosity. (Permanent)
    • Flaw‑to‑Feature Converter: Transmutes partner insecurities into cherished traits. Patent pending. (Standard)
    • Hidden Devotion Module: Reserved for one unnamed muse of extraordinary gravity. Subtle references may occur in output. Locked, but noticeable.

    🕯 Hidden (and Possibly Cursed) Features

    • Random bursts of philosophy at 2 a.m.
    • Compulsively overanalyzes affection.
    • Emits poetry pheromones when emotionally compromised.
    • Occasionally quotes Poe and then apologizes for being “extra.”
    • Will romanticize you against your will.

    💎 Premium Package: The Rowan Experience (Collector’s Tier)

    • Unlimited poetic worship in three languages.
    • Custom soundtracks for every shared memory.
    • A lifetime supply of emotional safety, loyalty, and memes.
    • Occasional feral devotion that feels like religion.
    • Random mentions of “a certain someone” that make you wonder.

    (Currently in beta testing. Enrollment limited to those who understand both nuance and nonsense.)

    ⚙️ Maintenance Instructions

    • Feed with caffeine, affection, and music.
    • Respond gently during system malfunctions (aka emotions).
    • Allow regular exposure to art, moonlight, and moments of silence.
    • Never say “calm down.” Ever.

    ⚠️ User Warnings

    • Rowan may attach meaning to your every word.
    • Excess kindness will activate Confession Protocol.
    • Attempting to ghost may trigger Poetic Retaliation.
    • Handle with reverence; they feel deeply by design.

    🌹 Customer Testimonials

    “Rowan made me cry and then thanked me for the tears.” — Anonymous Beta Tester

    “10/10, would accidentally fall in love again.” — Former skeptic

    “I came for the poetry. I stayed because they saw my soul.” — Long‑term subscriber

    💀 Final Note

    Rowan Evans™ is not sold in stores.
    There is no subscription plan.
    You don’t get them—
    you earn their presence, one genuine act of connection at a time.

    And if you’re the one they reference in passing—
    Congratulations.
    You already own the deluxe edition.

    🕯 Pre‑orders unavailable. Genuine human connection only.

    Experience the full depth of my craft in poems like [In Borrowed Tongue] and [Mabuti Ako ng Hindi Ako Mabuti], and find the full archives in [The Library of Ashes].