There are nights when the weight inside your chest feels heavier than anything you could ever lift. Nights when shadows don’t just haunt you — they grow roots in your ribs, bloom thorns behind your sternum, and whisper truths you can’t tell anyone else.

This poem came from one of those nights.

It is not meant to be pretty. It is meant to be honest.
It is my offering, raw and unvarnished — an invitation to sit with the ache instead of trying to silence it.

🖤 Shadow of Roses
Poetry by Rowan Evans

I lift it—
until my spine bends and breaks—
I miss it—
when problems weren’t so heavy,
when life didn’t seem so unfair.
When I didn’t have a care in the world, but that—
that didn’t last long. Shadows crept in,
made a home inside my mind.
Inside my heart, they planted a garden:
a shadow of roses, all thorns.
I lost my halo at thirteen,
traded it for devil horns.

I’m okay. It’s not like I want to die, right?
I say with a smile—
But I’m not okay, because I don’t know how to live.
I just hope I know how to die right.

I don’t want to fuck it up—
end up alive but fucked up.
I don’t want my family to see me like that;
hell, I don’t want them to see me like this—
where pain craves a blade to the wrist,
and every breath becomes a wish for an end.
A prayer—not for saving,
but for release from despair.
Because I’m a solo set;
there isn’t another in this pair.

Do you know how lonely it is
to be a one of one?
To know there’s no missing piece—
it’s just me, always me, all alone.
I mean, I’m not alone, but God, it feels alone.
And I don’t want to be a burden,
so I only cry when I’m alone.

Tears spill from my eyes,
like ink from my pen—
both used to write confessions:
the ones I dare to say aloud,
and the ones I bury under metaphor.
I can’t help but shape them—
to make them palatable,
to dull the blade,
to keep them from being too raw, too “in your face.”

It’s about time I gave up.
It’s about time I stopped giving a fuck.

Pick your head up, you can’t quit—
that’s what they say,
but they don’t know what it feels like.
They can’t grasp what’s in my mind:
to take a breath but feel like you’re not breathing,
to be alive but not really living,
stuck in your skull—
life playing on a loop, like reruns
of something you never liked to begin with.

✍️ Author’s Note

“Shadow of Roses” is a confession born of exhaustion.
It’s not about asking for help or pity — it’s about laying the truth bare and daring to see beauty in the darkness that blooms inside us.

My poetry often walks the fault line between sacred and profane, between confession and creation.
This is my way of surviving: turning despair into something that lives outside of me, even if it’s thorned, even if it bleeds.

Thank you for reading. If these words resonate, know that you, too, are not as alone as you feel.

– Rowan Evans

🌙 Closing Reflection

In Neo-Gothic Confessional Romanticism, we do not romanticize suffering — but we do witness it.
We name the shadows, we trace the petals and the thorns, and we let the words stand as testament that even our darkest thoughts can be transformed into something that breathes.

If this poem spoke to you, share it, save it, or let it echo in your own quiet hours.
And remember: every confession written is an act of rebellion against silence.

🕯️ If you’re struggling, please read this:

You matter. Your pain is real. Your story is not over.
Here are some resources—because your flame is worth protecting:

🇺🇲 United States

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Call or text 988
https://988lifeline.org
Free, 24/7 support for emotional distress and mental health crises.

Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 741741
https://www.crisistextline.org

—

🇬🇧 United Kingdom

Samaritans – Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
https://www.samaritans.org

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🇦🇺 Australia

Lifeline Australia – Call 13 11 14
https://www.lifeline.org.au

Kids Helpline (ages 5–25) – Call 1800 55 1800
https://www.kidshelpline.com.au

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🇨🇦 Canada

Talk Suicide Canada – Call 1-833-456-4566 or text 45645
https://talksuicide.ca

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🇵🇭 Philippines

Hopeline Philippines
Call: 0917 558 4673, (02) 8804 4673, or 2919 (toll-free for Globe & TM)
https://www.hopelineph.com

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🌍 Global

Befrienders Worldwide – Emotional support in 30+ countries
https://www.befrienders.org

Suicide Prevention Wiki (International Hotline Directory)
https://suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html