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Poetry by Rowan Evans

Tag: Kintsugi

  • mabuti ako ng hindi ako mabuti – Poem by Rowan Evans | Neo-Gothic Confessional Romanticism

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    Mabuti ako ng hindi ako mabuti was born from that familiar ache of being awake while the world sleeps—the quiet, heavy solitude of overthinking and feeling too much. It’s about seeing the beauty in others while struggling to recognize it in yourself, about cracks, missing pieces, and the weight of empathy in a world that can feel cold.

    The poem weaves together languages, not by accident but by instinct: the Tagalog line as both title and closing heartbeat, grounding the piece in a personal, intimate voice; and my youthful “Nani the fuck?”—a playful, yet sharp, reflection of confusion and disbelief, a nod to my early fascination with Japanese and the way language can capture emotion in a single exclamation.

    This is a poem about exhaustion, insomnia, and the unrelenting pressure of a sensitive heart. It’s also about holding space for yourself the way you hold space for others—learning to see your own gold, even when the lanterns have burned out and the path is dark.

    Solitary figure sitting on bed in dimly lit room, hands covering face, shadows cast across cracked walls with scattered glowing Kintsugi fragments on the floor, evoking introspection and emotional struggle.
    Even in darkness and brokenness, fragments of unseen beauty remain.

    Mabuti Ako ng Hindi Ako Mabuti
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    I stand before the mirror—
    and all I see, staring back at me
    are cracks.
    I’m just a broken mess,
    a bowl full of holes—
    too big to mend with gold.

    I’ve got—
    too many missing pieces.
    Too many pieces left behind.
    There’s no Kintsugi here.
    No witnesses near.

    Shaking hands and tear stained face,
    I’m so alone, always alone.
    Even with people around.

    All my relationships—
    The color of autumn.
    People leave.

    Now I ask—
    why can’t I see the beauty
    in my own imperfections?
    Why do I only hold that view,
    for everyone but me?
    Why can’t I see?
    Why am I so blind to me?

    And I feel stuck in the dark.
    My laterns burned out,
    I’m wandering lost.
    Is this the cost—
    for being a gentle soul like me?

    The world wasn’t made for me—
    I’m too warm for apathy,
    I cling to empathy like a life vest.
    I give weary souls a place to rest,
    but nowhere for me to lay my head…
    So I stay up instead.

    Insomnia has a hold on me. 
    I’ve stayed up for two days— 
    in one twenty-four hour period. 
    How does that add up? 
    But that’s the math. 
    Don’t laugh. Don’t ask.
    Nani the fuck?

    Yet still, people ask,
    “How are you doing?”
    I say, mabuti ako
    ng hindi ako mabuti.

    If you enjoyed this poem, check out more of my work [here].

  • Pulled Away Again – Confessional Poem on Friendship, Guilt, and Self-Doubt | Rowan Evans

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    Pulled Away Again came from that quiet guilt that builds when you fade from people you love—not because you’ve stopped caring, but because you’re too tangled in your own thoughts to reach out. It’s about the strange duality of existing in someone’s life and yet feeling like a ghost in it, the ache of being remembered and forgotten at the same time. I wrote this as a kind of apology, but not to anyone specific. It’s for all the friendships I’ve let drift away, for all the messages I’ve left unanswered, for every time I thought silence would hurt less than presence… for every time I thought existing in my head was easier than simply existing in the world.

    A solitary figure dissolving into shadows, with golden light tracing cracks across them, symbolizing introspection, isolation, and the hidden beauty of brokenness.
    “Pulled Away Again – exploring the delicate ache of distance, memory, and friendship through introspection and confession.”

    Pulled Away Again
    (Schrödinger’s Friendship)
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    Fuck… I pulled away again—
    disappeared into shadows,
    became a bad friend.

    I don’t keep in touch,
    and I know it sucks.
    But,
    what am I supposed to say?
    I’m sorry,
    but you’ll tell me
    I don’t need to apologize…

    And I know,
    the sorry’s not for you.
    It’s for me,
    because I feel like a bad friend.
    I feel like the sad friend.

    The…
    nobody really
    wants around friend.

    The giver,
    the lover,
    the seer
    of broken things.
    The seer of beauty
    in all the broken things.

    I see the gold
    that fills the cracks.
    But only in others.
    Those Kintsugi souls,
    they shine so bright.

    While I just feel trapped…
    while I sit here still cracked,
    pieces scattered, never put back
    together.

    Fuck…
    I pulled away again,
    isolated, faded from perception.
    Because I feel…
    You’re better off without me.

    I’ll amount to nothing,
    And I know
    I’m not the only one
    that doubts me.

    Fuck…
    I don’t keep in touch,
    and I know it sucks.
    Yeah, I know,
    every—
    I’m sorry…
    It’s not for you.
    It’s for me.

    Because I feel
    like I’m a bad friend.
    The out of sight
    out of mind friend.
    The one nobody remembers,
    but somehow not forgotten.

    It’s a—
    Schrödinger’s Friendship.
    I’m both in your life
    and not.
    I am just walking rot.

    Sorry for everything
    I’ve never said,
    sorry for every moment,
    every thought.
    Especially the thoughts
    I thought I forgot.

    I’m sorry for the way
    I fade
    into obscurity.
    You’re always on mind
    but I’m afraid
    of what I’ll say.

    Will today be the day?
    Will I finally I slip up?
    Say something stupid,
    and fuck it up?
    Be just another disappointment—
    A regret etched in history,
    a blemish on an otherwise
    positive memory.

    I’m a face
    you can’t place.
    A name
    that rings no bells,
    rings no memory.
    I am
    my own
    worst enemy.

    If you’ve made it this far, why don’t you check out more of my work? You can find the full library [here].

  • Kintsugi Our Souls Together | Love Poem for the Ruined, the Rising, the Reverent

    Rowan Evans

    Author’s Note

    This is for the broken and the rising. For the ones who have loved through scars, and shone through shadow. Kintsugi Our Souls Together is a love letter to the beauty in brokenness—and the gold that binds us when we choose to mend, together.

    Illustration of two broken figures repaired with gold veins, floating among stars, representing cosmic love and healing.
    Kintsugi souls: rising holy from the fractures of our past.

    Kintsugi Our Souls Together
    Poetry by Rowan Evans

    You say you’re broken.
    Baby—me too.
    Not just cracked,
    but scattered like constellations
    ripped from the sky,
    fragments of light
    drenched in shadow.

    We are star-born ruins—
    cosmic,
    bruised,
    beautiful in our wreckage.
    Galaxies of grief
    swirl behind our eyes,
    but still—
    baby, we shine.

    So let’s gather the remnants,
    each jagged edge,
    each silent scream.
    Let’s stitch our scars
    with molten gold,
    Kintsugi our souls
    until pain becomes pattern,
    and every fracture
    sings with sacred heat.

    I want to know your ache—
    wear it like velvet on my skin,
    learn the shape of your sorrow
    until it fits inside my ribcage.
    We’ll build a throne from bones
    of yesterday’s despair,
    a palace of ash and stars,
    lit by the heavens
    that watched us burn.

    No crowns needed.

    Just you and me—
    flawed,
    fierce,
    whole in our brokenness.
    Treasures made
    from what the world discarded.
    Proof that ruin
    can still rise—
    holy.

    So let the world call us ruins—
    Let them say we should’ve shattered.
    They don’t see the gold in our veins,
    the way we gleam—
    Kintsugi souls…
    even in the dark.

    Visit The Library of Ashes to find more of my work…